Making friends when you’re older
Why is it important to know how make friends when you’re older? People who are more socially connected and have a more active social life are physically and mentally healthier and live longer. Horrifyingly, research shows that loneliness is assocaited with an increased risk of mortality from any cause of 50%, the equiavelent of smoking 15 cigarattes a day.
As we get older, having strong friendships are actually a better predictor of our well being than strong family connections, especially for women.
At the same time, our circle of friends tends to shrink as we get older. Family commitments take over, friends move away, you lose touch with them, your lives move in different directions or you just move apart. Or life just gets in the way.
Making new friends seems quite easy when you’re younger, but it can feel harder to make friends as an adult, especially as you get older.
The good news is there are plenty of things you can do to make it easier and feel less daunting.
1. Be open to it
It’s easier to make new friends if you start by broadening your definition of a friend. Just because someone is years older or younger, or a different sex doesn’t mean the two of you can’t become friends. Make connections with people you might not normally socialize with, you might be pleasantly surprised.
Remember, that you don’t have to want to do everything with someone for them to be a friend. It’s OK to have a friend you like going for walks with, another friend you love sharing a meal with, another one you go to the movies with and another one you tell all your deepest darkest secrets.
2. Be prepared to get our of your comfort zone
Making new friends is also easier if you are prepared to get out of your comfort zone. Asking someone for their number can feel awkward. The worst thing that can happen is that they can say no, and if they do don’t worry about it. The quickest way to get over the awkwardness is to call it out. Say something like, “Hey, this is so awkward, as if I’m asking you out, but would you be happy to give me your number? I really enjoyed meeting you and I’d love to catch up again.”
I did this a few years ago with a woman I met at a meetup group dinner. I knew I was leaving the group and so if I didn’t ask I’d never see her again. She is now one of my closest friends.
3. Put in the effort
Make a conscious effort. Like any relationship, friendships take work to create and maintain. A study by Kansas University found that it takes around 90 hours of shared contact to become friends and around 200 hours to become close friends.
When someone invites you to do something, say yes and schedule catch ups yourself. Pick up the phone to call, and return texts and calls quickly. When you do catch up with someone, make the time count. Conversations and shared experiences are what builds a friendship with someone, not tagging them in a social media post.
4. Reconnect with old friends
Reconnect with friends you’ve lost touch with. With people you were once close with, you can more or less pick up where you left off. Don’t bother with someone you no longer speak to for good reason, but if you’ve just lost contact, try to reconnect. Social media sites like Facebook and Linkedin makes it pretty easy.
5. Join a class
Joining a class can be a great way to learn a new skill and to meet new people. Knowing that you already have something in common with them can make it easier to connect. Trying something new also helps keep your brain healthy.
6. Make friends with your work colleagues
Try to make friends with a few of your work colleagues. Studies have shown that people who have a “best friend at work” are more likely to be happier and healthier. They are also 7 times more likely to be engaged in their job. Having friendships at work can also help your career. Employees who say they have friends at work have higher levels of productivity, retention, and job satisfaction than those who don’t.
Suggest catching up for lunch, a weekly happy hour, or going for a walk together at lunchtime.
7. Volunteer
Volunteering is not only a great way to give back, it’s also a terrific way to meet new friends. Look for opportunities in your local community. This will make it easier to catch up with people you connect with. Help out at a food pantry, join a park cleanup, volunteer at an animal shelter, help at an aged care facility, read to children or participate in another cause you feel passionate about.
8. Reach out to friends of friends
Getting to know your friends’ friends better is an easy way to meet new people and make new friends. You already know you’ve got something in common. Don’t be shy about asking your friend for someone’s number that you’ve met through them or if that feels super awkward, ask you friend to set something up with the three of you.
9. Utilise social media
Join a local Facebook group. You’ll get to know people in your immediate area and also get a good idea of what kind of events are happening locally that you might want to join. If there isn’t already a group, start one.
Join Facebook groups in your city for people who have an active interest such as hiking or bike riding. These regularly have posts from people looking for someone to walk or ride with.
Meetup is also another way to meet people who share a common interest and are looking to make new friendships. Or join a site for people looking to make new friends, like Bumble BFF or Girlfriend Social.
10. Join a local sporting club or gym
Exercise classes are a great way to meet new people. After you’ve been to a few classes, strike up a conversation with someone you’ve seen a few times. Or if you see a group heading out after a class, ask if they’d mind if you joined. Most people are pretty friendly and happy to spend time with someone they already know they have something in common with.
If you prefer team sports, join a local team. Or if you’re into cycling or running, join a local club. You’ll have a shared interest to bond over.
11. Attend a local tour
If you’re interested in art or history, attend an organised tour at your local gallery or museum. If you’re new to your city and want to get to know it better, join a local walking tour. Or if craft beer is your thing, do a tour of a local brewery.
12. Get to know your neighbours
Now days, we often don’t know our neighbours like we used to, particularly if you live in an apartment block. If you don’t know your neighbours introduce yourself. Say hi to people in the hallway or the lift of your building. Invite them over for a BBQ or drink, offer to walk their dog for them when they’re busy or drop off a home made treat. You never know, your new best friend could be closer than you think.
13. Travel on your own
Traveling alone may seem daunting, but it’s a wonderful way to learn about new cultures and meet new people. It’s much easier to meet people than if you’re travelling with a partner as people are often pretty reluctant to strike up a conversation with a couple but find it easy to do with someone on their own.
When you go out to dinner, ask to be seated at the bar, you’re likely to seated next to someone else who is on their own. Even if you don’t make a new friend, it’s often a really good way to get some tips from a local or someone else who is travelling on things to see and do in the area.
Do some research before you leave home about events that are on while you’re there, look for ones that interest you and where you might have a chance to meet people. You’d be surprised who you can meet this way.
A few years ago when doing some research for a holiday to Capetown I found out about a group which was running secret pop up dinners with local chefs. I emailed them, told them the dates I was travelling and asked them to let me know if any dinners were organised for those dates. Luckily there was one. I had a wonderful night, ate incredible food at a pretty modest price, got to chat to locals and learnt lots about the city. I was even lucky enough to be seated next to the city’s most famous restaurant critic so I left armed with a long list of places to try. Definitely one of the highlights of my trip.
